SCENE 1
Brian is outside his house playing basketball.
He shoots... misses.
BRIAN - OH I BLEW IT!
Howie walks over wearing the infamous plaid suit.
HOWIE - (sings)He's so fine!
Brian stops bouncing his ball and looks at Howie in disgust.
BRIAN - Dude, what are you wearing?
HOWIE - I don't know....clothes?(wink wink)
BRIAN - Oh no! Don't tell me your mom dresses you!
HOWIE - I don't know... either that or Kevin. I'm Howie.
BRIAN - Even Kevin would not put you in something that horrible.
HOWIE - I dunno.
BRIAN - Did your mom lay that out on your bed and say "Put this on?"
HOWIE - No, she said "Here's your suit, Punkin."
BRIAN - So she did dress you.
HOWIE - No I put this on all by myself
Brian looks at Howie in disgust.
HOWIE - Super!! Super!!
Britney Spears and Aaron Carter come walking up.
AARON - Hey everybody, let's shake it!!
HOWIE - Oh no!It's Nick Junior.
BRIAN - Everytime I look into that little boy's eyes, I see Nick. My precious little frack, and I think..."Why?" WHY?!!
He grabs Howie by the collar and starts shaking him.
BRIAN - WHY?!!!!!! He was so young!!
Howie hits him in the head with the basketball.
HOWIE - Get ahold of yourself!
BRIAN - Tyke? Where's Tyke?! I want Tyke!
HOWIE - Tyke is not gonna bring Nick back, Brian! He can't replace him!
Brian runs into the house crying.
BRIAN - NIIIIICK!
Howie looks over at Britney.
HOWIE - I'm Howie.(wink)
BRITNEY - I know. Hey, nice suit... you know Howie, you always were my favorite Backstreet Boy.
HOWIE - Why are you hangin around with airboy?
AARON - She's my new girlfriend.
BRITNEY - I was born to make Aaron happy.
AARON - And to get implants.
BRITNEY - Yeah!! (she giggles)
HOWIE - Um... okay.
Joey Fatone comes walking over.
JOEY - Hey, Howie, can I play?
HOWIE - No Fatone!(wink) I told you never to come near me again!
JOEY - But I though we were friends. You and Chris went to college together.
HOWIE - That doesn't make us friends.
JOEY - But we're brothers.
HOWE - We're not brothers. I'm Latin and you're fat.
JOEY - I am not fat! I'm chunky.
HOWIE - Fine you're chunky. I'm Howie.
JOEY - I'm telling Lance.
AARON - Lance looks like a carrot.
JOEY - He does not!!
He storms off.
BRITNEY - Who was that guy?
HOWIE - That was Joey Fatone... from N Sync... your friends with them... Brian killed Justin... you opened for them.
Britney shrugs.
HOWIE - I'm Howie.(wink wink)
AARON - So, when are you gonna let me join the group?
HOWIE - Who said you were ever gonna join?(wink)
AARON - No one. I just figured since Nick was gone, you'd need a replacement.
HOWIE - We killed Nick so we could get rid of him, not so we could replace him with a smaller version.
Brian comes back carrying Tyke in his arms. Tyke is dressed in a blonde wig and little blue overalls.
BRIAN - Sniff.
He holds up Tyke.
BRIAN - From now on... Tyke is to be known as Nick.
Aaron slowly starts backing away.
AARON - You'll be sorry you didn't let me join. You'll be so sorry. You'll see. Let's go Brit-Brit.
BRITNEY - We have a date. We're going to The Discovery Zone!
She jumps up and down excitedly.
Her and Aaron ride away on his little motorbike.
HOWIE - Did you see her boobs jiggle?... Gross.
BRIAN - (in a daze) Nick did have nice boobs.
HOWIE - What?
SCENE 2 - LATER THAT NIGHT
Howie and Brian are watching "Doug's First Movie"
A cell phone rings.
Howie pulls a phone out of his pocket.
HOWIE - Hello?
It keeps ringing. He tosses that one aside and pulls out another.
HOWIE - Hello?
Another ring, He throws that one down and pulls out another.
HOWIE - Hello?... Damnit!
He throws it on the floor and pulls one out of his shoe.
HOWIE - Hello?
Keeps ringing.
BRIAN - Oh, it's mine.
He answers his cell.
BRIAN - Hello?
DEEP VOICE - Do you like driving cars?
BRIAN - Nick?!!
Howie grabs the phone from him.
HOWIE - Hello? (wink wink)
DEEP VOICE - Do you like driving cars?
HOWIE - Fatone! I told you to stop calling here!
DEEP VOICE - I'm not Fatone.
HOWIE - Who is this?
DEEP VOICE - Nice suit, Howie.
HOWIE - Thanks, my mom picked it out. She says - Hey wait a minute!! Who is this?!
DEEP VOICE - Look out the window.
Howie walks over to the back window and looks out it.
DEEP VOICE - Turn on the light.
HOWIE - I'm Howie.
He turns the patio light on.
Joey Fatone is on the porch, tied to a chair.
HOWIE -HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Thanks man.
He hangs up the phone and goes and sits back on the couch.
He hands the phone back to Brian, who is cuddling up with Tyke.
The phone rings again.
Brian answers it.
BRIAN - Hello?
DEEP VOICE - Do you like driving cars?
BRIAN - I haven't driven a car since... that day... that day they laid him in ground.
DEEP VOICE - Prepare to die!!
BRIAN - I'm calling the police!
DEEP VOICE - They'd never get there in time.
Brian hangs up the phone.
HOWIE - It's happening again, isn't it?
BRIAN - Dude! Check it out! Doug's about to talk to Patty Mayannaise!
HOWIE - Sweet.
They forget about everything and focus their attention on the movie.
The doorbell rings.
Howie goes to answer it.
It's two police officers.
HOWIE - HI, I'm Howie, and this is how we do it.
COP # 1 - Okay... um we've had some complaints from neighbors about a man being tied up in your backyard.
HOWIE - Oh, it's only Joey Fatone.
COP # 2 - Oh, alright. Sorry to bother you.
COP # 1 - Have a nice night.
Howie shuts the door and walks back over to Brian.
HOWIE - Was there something I was supposed to tell the police?
BRIAN - I dunno, somethin' 'bout bein' gay?
HOWIE - No..... OH!!!!! The phone call!
BRIAN - OH YEAH!!
HOWIE - ... OMG!! What if it's AJ's mom?
BRIAN - No Brian we killed her.
HOWIE - But they never found the body.
BRIAN - Yes they did! It was right on the stage where we left it. You saw them take it away.
HOWIE - But they never found her head.
BRIAN - She never lost her head, you idiot.
HOWIE - Or maybe that's just what she wants us to believe.
BRIAN - You're insane.
HOWIE - Hey, I was thinking, wouldn't it be weird if Kevin came riding through here on a horse?
BRIAN - Why would that happen?
HOWIE - I don't know. I was just saying it would be weird... I'm Howie.
Howie is standing in Brian's kitchen in a pink bathrobe, scrambling eggs.
HOWIE - (singing)Betcha by golly, wow. You're the one that I've been waiting for forever.
Nick comes walking into the kitchen, wearing leather pants and a tight white t-shirt.
HOWIE - (singing in high pitch voice) You're a genie in disguise..betcha by goll -
NICK - Oh how I've missed that falsetto.
HOWIE - Thanks.
Nick walks over and stands beside Howie.
HOWIE - (singing)Betcha by golly, wow. You're the one that I've been waiting for forever. And - ......
He stops singing.
HOWIE - Wait a minute.... note to self - Nick is dead.
He slowly turns to look at Nick.
HOWIE - Correct me if I'm incorrect, but ain't you dead?
NICK - Yes.
HOWIE - ...AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGG HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Brian comes running in to see what all the comotion is about.
BRIAN - What's wrong?! Did you mistake Tyke for a rat again?!
He sees Nick.
BRIAN - NICKY!!!!!!!
He runs and jumps into Nick's arms.
Nick holds him up with thr greatest of ease.
Brian smothers him with kisses.
HOWIE - Brian, Nick is dead. Remember? AJ killed him.
BRIAN - Boner... that's what we called him.
HOWIE - Brian, you're kissing a ghost!!
BRIAN - (to Nick) You tricked me!!!
Nick drops him.
He lands flat on his ass.
NICK - I'd prefer to be called a disembobled spirit.
HOWIE - Don't you mean disembodied?
NICK - Probably, I'm not too good with words.
BRIAN - Ow, my butt.
HOWIE - Wait... AJ isn't with you is he?
NICK - No, I tried to get him to come but he wouldn't leave Mcdonald's.
HOWIE - There's a Mcdonalds in heaven?
NICK - Yup, he hasn't left there since the day he died... Or should I say...murdered?
He glares down at Brian.
Aaron climbs in the window.
HOWIE - Aaron, what are you doing here?
AARON - I came to help my brother finish what he started.
He sees Brian sitting on the floor.
He pulls a voice changer form his pocket.
He talks into it.
AARON - (deep voice) Hello Brian. Do you like Driving cars?
A look of horror crosses Brian's face.
BRIAN - No not again!!! It's happening again Howie!!
He jumps to his feet.
HOWIE - I'm Howie. (wink wink)
NICK - You killed me.
BRIAN - I'm so sorry Nick.
NICK - It's too late for that. I've come back from the dead to destroy you.
BRIAN - Me? But we're best friends.
NICK - And you killed me.
AARON - And you killed him.
BRIAN - It wasn't my fault... Howie made me do it!
HOWIE - What?! I wasn't even in that sequal!
NICK - Don't worry about Howie. We'll take care of him. He had us all knocked off one by one so he could take over the spotlight.
HOWIE - It's true!! It's all true!! You never let me sing! And even after everyone was dead but me and Brian, he still wouldn't let me sing... but it all ends tonight.
A look of evil crosses over Howie's face as he lunges for Brian.
The wrestle on the floor.
HOWIE - Your time has come! The end is near.
Aaron jumps on top of them two of them and helps Howie take Brian down.
Nick sits at the table and plays his gameboy as the boys struggle.
Brian lets go of Howie.
He picks up Aaron by the shirt.
AARON - Stop!
Everyone stops and looks at him.
AARON - Everybody get wild!
Brian tosses him out the window.
Brian turns to Howie.
BRIAN - What's wrong, D? You wouldn't kill a fly.
HOWIE - I wouldn't?
BRIAN - No, you're the peacemaker, remember?
HOWIE - ... Oh yeah. Sorry. I didn't mean to try and kill you.
BRIAN - Hey, it happens.
Nick puts down his game boy.
He walks over to them.
NICK - Alright, enough pansy talk.
HOWIE - But we weren't talking about you.
He chuckles at his own joke.
NICK - Oh Howie... (he slowly shakes his head)... charming to the last.
He grabs Howie's cell phone and knocks him out with it.
Him and Brian start wrestling.
Brian pins Nick underneath him.
He picks up a frying pan and holds it above Nick's head.
He hesitates.
NICK - You can't kill me. You're too weak.
BRIAN - I'm sorry Nick. I never meant to hurt you.
Brian brings the pan down on Nick's head.
Nick mutters one last song.
NICK - (sings)As long as your love's there to meet me... I won't lose my way, believe me...even through the darkest night you know...I'd go anywhere... for you.
Everything goes black.
THE END